i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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