I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Randomize
