Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Where did you get a picture of my penis
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
