i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Randomize
