You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
