u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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