What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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