I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
