her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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