Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
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