I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I deserve to be covered in dicks
We need a shit load of segways right now
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
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