the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
