Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize