sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
