Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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