My cat gives me a boner
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
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