I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
