My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
