bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
