Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
