Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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