Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
sarcasm needs its own font
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
