Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
God, I missed his penis.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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