We got so high we made milksteak
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
We are two peas in an std pod
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
