I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
