I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
