You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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