I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
