I never want to see another naked old woman again.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
