did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
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