my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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