I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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