he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
