your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Randomize
