Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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