I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
