how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
