How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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