I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
