When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
