I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize
