You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
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