no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
