i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
