But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Randomize
