What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
