I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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