Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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