No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I stole a fireplace last night.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
