I just cut my nipple shaving
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
