remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
