Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
barbara walters just said penis...
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
