My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
