i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
