I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
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