sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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