I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
