The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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