im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
