So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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