She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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